Sitting here now, I'm over two years sober. And I finally feel ready to share a few things. Mainly that sobriety isn't only about not drinking. It's about learning to be here. Fully here. Without an escape route.

That's the part no one tells you when you take a hard look at things and try to decide if alcohol is serving you. They focus on the hangovers, the regret, the health risks. And sure, those matter. But the real cost? Alcohol steals your presence. Your clarity. Your ability to feel your life as it's happening. And whatever you’re trying to ‘do’ in life, while using alcohol to escape your own life? That dissonance will eat you alive.

From 19 - 39, I easily would tell you I didn't have a problem. I wasn't drinking in the morning (Well unless mimosas, Or flying. Or fireball in the parking lot at the ski resort…). I wasn't losing jobs or relationships. I was functional. Successful, even. I was the party. The instigator. It was part of the show - hosting skiers or friends or after work events. Serve booze. Chug booze. Black out. No repercussions. Repeat.

But here's what I finally, finally saw that I was doing: I was using alcohol to manage my nervous system. Anxious? Wine. Overstimulated after a long day? Box of wine. Need to relax? Wine. Want to celebrate? Champagne or more expensive wine. Difficult conversation coming? Wine first. Not liking the path my life was taking? Drink about it. Enjoying life? Cheers let’s toast it.

All alcohol all the time became my primary tool for regulation. My go-to strategy for turning down the volume on everything that felt like too much. And because our culture normalizes this, because "mommy wine culture" makes it cute, because every social gathering revolves around drinking, because "self-care" is sold to us as a glass of rosé in the bathtub, I didn't ever question it. I embraced it. It was so much of my personality I was the mom on SNL getting the wine plaques from friends, the memes tagged, the messages ‘this made me think of you’ about insane drinking.

What Alcohol ‘Promised’ Me

Let me be honest about what alcohol gave me. Or what I thought it gave me.

Relief from anxiety
A way to connect with people (especially in social situations where I felt awkward)
Permission to relax (because I couldn't just relax sober. I had to earn it, facilitate it, chemically induce it)
A buffer between me and my feelings
An off-switch for my overactive mind
Confidence I didn't feel naturally
A way to celebrate, to mark occasions, to make moments feel special

And for a while, it kind of delivered. Or I convinced myself it did. But here's what I couldn't see while I was in it: Alcohol didn't solve any of those things. It delayed them. It numbed them. It made them worse. The anxiety? It came back stronger the next day. Every time. The connection? I wasn't actually connecting. I was just lowering my inhibitions enough to pretend. Real connection requires presence. Alcohol steals that. The relaxation? I wasn't learning how to relax. I was outsourcing my nervous system regulation to a substance. Which meant I never built the actual skill of calming myself down. The feelings I was avoiding? They didn't go away. They just piled up. Waiting. And the biggest cost: I wasn't fully present for my life.

I was there, but I was buffered. Blurred. Half-present. Going through the motions but not actually feeling it.

I was unhealthy. Doing yoga in a bloated body. Getting skincare for the puffy eye bags. Sitting in a relationship that was more toxic that I’ve ever let on. Finally, I was overcome with the exhaustion of managing it. Of hiding it. Of pretending I had it under control. And - ah ha - alcohol wasn't serving me anymore. Maybe it never had. Panic attacks, medication, upping the consumption to try to alleviate the pain of what was happening to me, what a nightmare it turned into. Maybe the scariest part was, I wasn't sure I knew how to be myself without it. Or if I’d still have a friend left. Or who I was without the title of ‘always down to drink’.

What Sobriety Actually Is

To me, sobriety isn't about having a "problem." It's about getting honest. Do you use alcohol to regulate your emotions? Do you drink to cope, to celebrate, to relax, to connect? Do you feel like you need it to handle social situations, hard days, or big feelings? Can you imagine your life without it? Does that thought scare you? If you're squirming reading this, that's information.

Sobriety, for me, has been the most profound mindfulness practice I've ever undertaken. Because it's forced me to be here. To feel everything. To develop actual skills for regulating my nervous system instead of outsourcing it to a substance. Online community friends have some great lines for it - raw-doggin life (HA!). Getting sober sucks sometimes when yea, you have to FEEL FEELINGS. Funerals, divorces, bad news phone calls, job contracts ending. You name it. All the bad things may still happen and there’s no temporary off switch in a bottle sitting there waiting for you. Ew, huh?

Sobriety also taught me:

How to sit with discomfort without numbing it
How to feel my feelings fully and survive them
How to connect with people for real, not through the haze of alcohol
How to relax without needing a drink to give me permission
How to be present for my life, even when it's hard

Sobriety isn't about deprivation. It's about presence. And presence is everything. I like me. I like remembering deep talks with loved ones. Making new friends. Growth on a new level. Feeling less ‘lacking’. And hey I’m a trendsetter, we know this. It’s never been a better time to take a time out! There’s NA everything! People LOVE not drinking. 0.0 options are great. You literally look and feel better in a few weeks and if you can get addicted to that, you can change your life and head down a whole new, way more thrilling path. It’s hard even for me to put into words and I love talking about it. I’d say it’s another timeline. Another dimension. But I’m not so woo. It’s just, real life. A clean window to look through. True clarity.

If you're reading this and some part of you is wondering if alcohol is serving you, listen to that.

You don't have to hit rock bottom to decide you're done. You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic if that word doesn't fit. You don't have to have a dramatic story to justify quitting.

You just have to get honest: Is this substance helping you be more present, more alive, more yourself? Or is it stealing that from you? For me, the answer was clear. It was stealing everything. And on the other side of that admission, the other side of two years without drinking, I've found something alcohol never delivered:

Actual presence. Actual calm. Actual connection. Actual joy.

Not numbed. Not blurred. Not buffered. Real.

The Hard Parts (Because I'm Not Going to Lie to You)

Sobriety is hard. Especially at first. You uncover things you might not like. You have to feel everything. The good, the bad, the boring, the overwhelming. All of it. No buffer. You have to build new skills for nervous system regulation. And that takes time. You have to grieve. Because letting go of alcohol is letting go of an identity, a coping mechanism, a social lubricant. It's a loss. Even when it's the right choice.

But here's what's on the other side:

Waking up clear, every single day
Being fully present for your kids, your partner, your life
Trusting yourself
Not carrying shame
Knowing you can handle your feelings without reaching for something to make them go away
Actual self-respect
Freedom

And that? That's worth every hard moment.

Sobriety as a Mindfulness Practice

I teach meditation and mindfulness. And I can tell you with absolute certainty: Sobriety is the most rigorous mindfulness practice I've ever committed to. Every time I don't drink, I'm choosing presence over escape. Every time I sit with a craving without acting on it, I'm building the skill of staying. Every time I feel a difficult emotion without numbing it, I'm practicing being with what is. This is the work. This is what it means to be present.

And if you're someone who values mindfulness, who wants to be awake to your life, who's tired of going through the motions? Sobriety might be the practice you didn't know you needed.

I'm not here to tell you that you need to quit drinking. That's your call. Only you know what's true for you. But I am here to tell you: If some part of you is questioning your relationship with alcohol, that question deserves your attention. If you're using it to cope, to numb, to escape (even occasionally) you deserve to know there's another way. If you're tired of waking up with regret, of not being fully present, of wondering if this is serving you? You're allowed to try something different.

I created a meditation specifically for people navigating sobriety or questioning their relationship with alcohol. It's called Meditation for Sobriety Support, and it's designed to help you sit with cravings, discomfort, and difficult emotions without reaching for a drink.

You can find it on my guides page.

Sobriety isn't about deprivation. It's about reclaiming your presence. Your clarity. Your life.

And if you're ready to explore what that might look like, I'm here. You're not alone in this.

Two years in, I can tell you: Alcohol promised relief, but sobriety delivered freedom.

That's the truth I wish someone had told me sooner.