Every step along the way in a pregnancy after loss is a milestone. Another big one for me was crossing the threshold into my forties. My second trimester included my 40th birthday and so many little moments that changed what I thought my entire life was going to look like. While my husband and I have a love we felt confident would endure a childless future, we sat now in a new contemplation and planning for completely different circumstances. We bought some books. We sat and imagined. We worked hard. And all in all the day I turned 40 was one of profound peace.

This is in spite of the fact that the age was the major concern of the pregnancy. They used to call it “geriatric” (ouch) but now refer to this as “advanced maternal age” (still ouch).

During my second trimester we:

Got to feel and see baby kick and move and wiggle in my belly. To say my husband might have gotten exhausted of me saying “come feel this” is the understatement of the year.
Went wild with the nesting; shopping for new furniture, barstools, the baby dresser. Cleaning closets, reorganizing spaces, donating tons of things. Landscaped our backyard to add pavers, patio seating and lounge space.
I found local “buy nothing” groups and started gifting everything we didn’t need to get us a little more minimalistic lifestyle.
Got to say goodbye to the Erwin Center and see a UT men’s basketball game.
Went to a ton of local hockey games.
Leaned into the sweet tooth…and treated ourselves to ice cream, donuts, whatever the baby wanted 😆
Went with a little wild gut feeling and allowed hubby to completely transition into a new job.
Started shopping even more aggressively for baby girl after her scans kept coming back perfect.
Went to see an Austin FC match.
If you can believe it, crushed SXSW.

Here’s the thing. If I felt good in my first trimester, I somehow felt even better in my second. The reassurance of every passing week added to my stability, joy, energy. I got out in the sun more and more days and felt strong and happy to venture out. I didn’t really turn down any invites the first three months but I sure did sleep and rest a lot. January/February/March I felt like I was jet setting around town and venturing out tons.

I was so proud to go out pregnant. I wanted everyone to see me the way I’d always dreamt I’d be. I loved the kind excitement and well wishes so many shared. And ok, I just did day parties and ran away from downtown when the sun went down during SX. But I did the dang thing. Got the steps in every day. Saw shows. Even before she was here, I knew it was so important to me that baby girl always knew what kind of human I am. What kind of mom. And that’s someone that’s gonna say yes. Gonna get while the getting is good. I hope if there’s anything good I can pass down “find what feeds your soul and pursue that relentlessly” is up there.